My car has broken down, and sits on the side of an unknown road with two flat tires, and smoke billowing from the engine.
I tried to keep things going, push myself to reach my goals, to work toward an obligation later in the year, to keep up, keep going, achieve the goals, get out, get moving. It started out great; I was gung-ho, throwing myself into this activity and that, but I'm not a new model and will admit to not having had a tune-up in quite some time. Before long, my efforts began to sputter. Essentially I leapt into a road trip without checking my shit out first.
The physical, I have often thought, is a manifestation of the troubles on the inside, and if the current situation is any indication, I must be in quite a disarray.
I asked myself, actually asked myself with the view to getting a response, what I could do to heal? The word 'investigate' came to mind, meaning to sit in quiet dignity and go to source. I haven't been there in a long time; perhaps that is the root of healing. I sat in the darkened office at work, with the rumbles of trucks and reversing beeps outside, and meditated. I asked again, in that state of mind, what I could do to heal. Over and over. "What can I do to heal?" I threw the question out to the Universe and let it go, having faith that I would be given an answer at some point.
I could say that this part of me wasn't working properly, or the other part wasn't in sync, and I couldn't say when, how or even which one lost its footing. All I know is that it took a while and now here I am, the result of purposeful oblivion.
To return to my favorite horse analogy (because that's totally how I see myself)...this filly needs to stop racing and head out to a nice field to graze for a while (within caloric limits, of course)...and be at peace with the decision. Yes, I'm feeling like it's time to slow right down.
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