Square Pegs, Round Holes

Really thinking this morning on the way to work about recent events and how they affected me, when I was presented with an image of Master Oogway from Kung Fu Panda.  I figured I was shown him for a reason, I mean he's wise and spiritual and if I feel I'm having trouble connecting through the usual teachers, why not turn to a cartoon character?

Amongst other quotes, he said, "One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."  I gotta think long and hard on this one, particularly the "road" part because there is a part of me that is stubbornly refusing to understand it.  Seriously, I can read the phrase but when I try to lock in on the visual to interpret, my mind veers away.  I'm having trouble moving forward spiritually since circumstances outside of my control went awry a few weeks ago.  I threw up my faith like a golden ball and when it came back down, it had fractured into many pieces.

Meditation is sporadic and feels different, unfulfilling.  I concerned myself with the lack of presence and awareness last week, as if I had knocked myself back too far to ever return.  But perhaps I should listen to the quieter train of thought that simply says, "It's ok.  This is it.  Allow it to be what it is."

Perhaps I was too loud along my journey for a while there.  Perhaps I'm to tone it down a little, not try so hard.  How amusing for me to attempt that because my personality is rather gung-ho, headlong and tripping filly.  I thought I was reining things in, muffling the voice, but perhaps I got tired of trying too hard to do things less.

Those financial and where-the-hell-are-we-going-to-live woes still encircle us.  And, with each day that passes, with each credit check that marks us as 'bad renters', the wagons press in.  The rollercoaster carries my family on its jerky journey and I have no idea of the future, except mine and my husband's dreams and goals for the further flung future.  Despite the uncertainty and slight consternation for my spiritual wellbeing, I feel calm.

However the square peg in a round hole feeling persists within...something isn't fitting properly.  Perhaps it's just a different road that I'm on and it feels weird; different scenery, different experiences, a different be. 

I'm not sure about many things anymore and perhaps that's where the feeling has roots - in the unsure-ness of things, when I had previously thought I knew more.  Perhaps I don't know as much as I thought about myself.

Lisa...