Ever Present

Having been so preoccupied lately, or fatigued, or stressed to the point of tears, I had carved out no time for meditation.  There were moments to take a dip down but fleeting times they were:  At the beach, when I closed my eyes to become aware of the waves (I am water, not the wave) or the wisps of conversations of the people around us and the squeals of small children.  Certain sounds that some might think would not be conducive to meditation but it was really just about being in the moment.  Other times I took a few seconds to really take in the scenery.  Or sometimes I'd sink down into myself while folding laundry, or cooking dinner.  Just to sort of keep going.  To keep in touch with self.

I read this article a few minutes ago and I was reminded (again) that once you discover the deeply spiritual side of yourself, it can never be banished.  It is ever present, always there, like a Pandora's Box for the good or a can of butterflies.  It can never be closed.  You may have to put it to one side for a while at times but you will heed the reminders it sends to you when you've neglected it for too long.

I came to the door of awakening in the Spring of 2012 but did not walk across the threshold until November 2012. Since then, I've discovered in trickles more truths about myself, from big significant ones that can give a jolt like electricity to the little ones that make me smile and huff at the same time.

How content I feel today.  And smiling.  Safe and secure in the knowledge that it doesn't matter what goes on in my world, from the lingering aches of the past that nudge my heart and poke my memories to the stresses of work and physical worries, I am ok.  I am doing just fine.

I am all I need.

I love my husband and my children with a quiet ferocity.  Well, truth be told, love for my kids is unconditional because they are part of me and I grew them but the love for my husband has faded in and out over the years. This due for the most part to those outside factors and the usual marriage ups and downs.  I am growing and nurturing a self-love and it supersedes that.  It's a powerful thing and without it, I couldn't love my husband and much as I do these days.

So with life calming down a bit, I am welcomed to myself with open arms and a beaming smile.

*****

 Here again, so nice to see you, how've you been?

Come child, sit a while and let go.

You are all you need.

For the stillness causes ripples

of loving kisses

for all you meet.

If it's handed to you

Welly well well...doesn't life take a sharp turn sometimes?  You're like, "Whoa!  Where the hell am I and how the hell did I get here?"  You consider turning around but the wall has closed behind you like a Star Trek: TNG holodeck.

It's not really a bad place to be, it's just heavier and more than you thought it would be and are accustomed to.  And, it's completely new to boot.

I'm used to being onstage you see, or perhaps in front (the one stint as Director was fun but not altogether taxing) and on the odd occasion in front of the camera.  But I have never been behind the camera.  Until now.

My title as Assistant Director on a short film involves much brainstorming and idea-making with the Director.  It's probably a misconception about myself to think that I have nothing to offer, nothing of creative validity that would be useful.  It turns out that I actually do.  My brain works in just the right way and is geared toward this field so I have been able to let fly with some visions that magically pop up and which feed into another and another.

That said, when I'm called to a meeting with Director of Photography and Production Designer, I feel a little like an impostor.  Like a nervous juggler with a confident veneer surrounded by seasoned performers who need no falsity because their experience is plain for all to see.  I won't give up, not only on moral grounds (having accepted the challenge and am in too deep to even think of dropping it all and walking away), but also because I know I can see this through to the end and be good at it.  I want to succeed.

Also, if we can pull this off (there are a lot of challenges) it'll be a pretty cool film.

I have missed writing.  At times during the last couple of days, I think ahead to the last day of filming and relish the thought of putting thought to paper once again.  In the meantime, it's back to production boards, excel spreadsheets of script breakdowns by every.possible.little.thing and gearing up for the first day of shooting.

Just Write.

I read This blog yesterday and felt the familiar "Yes!"  ohmygod, yes!

Ideas for stories pile up in my head, occasionally filtering through enough to enable a creative outlet and the start of some kind of story...be it flash fiction, a short story or who knows what else, how long or where it's going.  Too many ideas up the wazoo and I am frustrated lately with the lack of propulsion.  My Springpad is filling up with unfinished work, stories that race great out of the gates but quickly lose steam.

After reading the above blog, I thought perhaps I had strayed too far from the point.  Taking advice too deeply to heart.  Holding tightly to the notion that no-one wants to read a life story because what might be fascinating for the writer, may not necessarily be so for the reader.  But, perhaps it's all in the telling.

I have pieces and portions, events and happenings, some of which might shock or provoke tears or elicit a resounding mental "Bravo!" and so I began writing about a quick thing that happened many, many years ago.  After composing the story from two different angles, I'm astounded at how the memory has sprung to life... from a faded thirty-three years ago to now.  The colors are vivid, the characters leap from my mind, the touch of a person, the feel of the day, the utter dumbing numbness that encompassed me.  I have rarely given it thought over the years.  How surprising to find that it is all still intact but if you asked me what I had for dinner last week, I would falter.

It's the kind of piece that makes me wonder what the people in my story are doing today.  Do they remember?  Do they remember me?

And, how can I trust myself to get it all down in such a way that it doesn't resemble the page of a confused ten year old's diary?  To bring it to life without going overboard on prose.  To simplify it.  To describe it in its stark, summer-filled way.

Take a step back and observe.

Much like the strong emotions in life - bearing witness as opposed to immersion in any event that invokes strong emotion, helps work it through.

Be honest and true to human nature, in all it's ugliness and darkness.

Write.  Just write.

The Road Less Traveled

 Daily Prompt: The Road Less Traveled - Wordpress prompt.

Pinpoint a moment in your past where you had to make a big decision. Write about that other alternate life that could have unfolded.

If I had not decided then and with full certainty that I would return to America, I would have continued to struggle in all areas of my life.  It was August 1998 and I was in a state of spiraling decline.  Debt collectors were calling, relationships were plenty and short-lived and my job was hanging by a thread (not through any fault of my own; it was a company-wide threat).  Too many times, I was brought to my knees on the living room floor, sobbing; wracked with fear, shame, sorrow, loneliness and confusion at the age of twenty-eight, feeling as though I had no-one to turn to.

If I had not changed my life path so radically, I would have been forced to search for another job in another office with another keyboard to tap at.  No doubt I would have stepped into another ill-advised romance with some man onto whom I thought I could pin my hopes and dreams.  My pay would have been far less than my previous job and so I would have had to foreclose on my lovely new flat and move to a bedsit.  My car was old and I would not have been able to afford to get it fixed (it needed a lot of work) nor would I have had the money to buy a new used one.  But, public transport in England is highly populated so taking buses would not have been a problem.  I had a lot of credit card debt so bankruptcy might have still been a viable option unless I could have found a way to pay them off gradually.  However I lacked discipline and clarity and would have taken the easy route without learning any sort of lesson at all.

I do not think I would have been content.  And likely would not have quit smoking even though I certainly couldn't afford it.  I might've splurged with the occasional batch of weed or if it wasn't available, I would have pushed all of my problems to a remote corner of the mind with alcohol.  Would I have married and had other children?  That's a tough one to envision.  I don't believe I would've met anyone that shared a mutual level of sustained attraction.  However if I did, it wouldn't have lasted and it's likely that I'd have one child and become a single parent.

It would have been a tough life.

Fifteen years later I see through wiser eyes that I did have friends that would have supported me but I was very much withdrawn and in such a dark place that being alone and desperate felt like home.  And no matter if they did help in one way or another, it was destined that I sink down as far as possible in order to gasp up through the surface with a life-changing decision.  And it was the best one I have ever made.