For a long time, I have fought a battle that can never be fully voiced. It can never be laid out on a table for all to see. It is a private war. I have danced around it in my blog, written about hard-won skirmishes, and weary defeats. It's a sort of thing that I have treated alternately with a delicate hand and a closed fist.
Its presence is exasperating, like an annoying mosquito that won't quit buzzing around.
No matter what I have done to abolish it (think on it, write about it, fight it, silence it, meditate on it, drink, eat), or didn't do (let it be, accept it) it has had me chained to a merry-go-round. I, a colorful filly with great stems raised, ready to gallop, but unable to.
Recently, I burned the bridge to the battlefield that I alone had maintained. It was done with confidence, and without intention of returning to the precipice pleading for the link to be restored.
But, the ego is fearful. It knows I am stronger, and it bombards me with thoughts and questions, and the same old worn out lines. The crackled movie on a fading loop starring the old witch opposite Snow White, except my apple gift is dented, and browned.
What is it afraid of? I think on it....and have to laugh a little because I simply don't know.
I have everything I need inside and out!
It could have been a sad thing to burn that bridge, but by deciding to stop the fight; I am forced to face the truth.
And the truth is acknowledging the dark side of self; specifically emotions such as anger, aversion, and dislike. No more sweet frosting. No more battles. No more black and white, or tussles between good and bad. This is it; the beginning of true healing begins with the belief that negative feelings are as much a part of self as the positive. In this way, the ego has little left to live for, and that's what it's afraid of.
Without the dark, there can be no light. And, the more I calmly let in the dark that's practically barging down my front door, the sooner I will be free of these shackles.
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