The Truth...

So, my snarglemates, this is a pretty big week for Ms. Biscuit; the play that I wrote will debut this weekend.  Sure, the stage is in a garage at the American Legion Post 25 which is unconventional - big thanks for their generosity and understanding in allowing us to use the space - but we're doing our darndest to pretty the place up  (note...the group I'm with really needs to find a new home!)

My cast have worked very hard to breathe life into the words that were borne out of a real life situation and I've realized that I've been plugging up the proverbial dam which has had just about enough and overflows freely today.

I've watched my little effort grow, poured myself into it and nurtured it.  At  times I'm critical of it and others, I love it - especially when my cast bring their emotion to the performance.  It's a bit of a rollercoaster ride.  And life revolves around it like a giant washing machine...with the other play I'm actually in, home stuff, work stuff, kid stuff, money stuff, marriage stuff...blah de blah. 

When I'm feeling overwhelmed, a voice admonishes me for being silly.  Man up!  Jeez, Lisa...you have friends who juggle two, sometimes three plays at a time, all the while holding down full-time jobs AND the family fort, just like you.  So, stop being a wimp, plug up those dam(n) holes and carry on.  Stiff upper lip, and all that.

I know a guy who, as a kid, was admonished by an adult relative for crying at a funeral.  When I heard that story, I was saddened for the boy who learned quickly that instead of dealing with the emotion, he should just tuck it up into a box and shelve it away (where he has now, as an adult, many many boxes, I presume).  But, I also felt a little sad for the adult who felt it was ok to teach the boy that behavior.

We endure disappointment, frustation, anger, fear, sadness, longing, loneliness...these feelings that are natural but kind of unhealthy and have a negative conotation.  Perhaps like that boy, we grew up without the tools to effectively manage emotions, so we push them away, repress, repress, repress. 

Alternatively, we wallow in them because that's pretty easy to do.  And it does feel carthartic for a while.  I mean, let's face it, there's nothing like a good cry and it really does literally shed some of the crap from you.  So, express, express, express is good.  To a point.

This morning, it was just a jumble of everything.  How do you sort it all out?  Where do you begin to find what is authentic and what is your admonishing mind, your longing mind, your devious, tricky trickster mind feeding you thoughts that you have forgotten that you can control?  How do you release the past and its burden of wounded dreams?  How do you get back to you?

I reach out for anything positive.  My intution, which I'm getting much better at listening to, said "anything...anything that is positive."  Anything that you can throw your anchor on to, that will take you away from this prickly path to the one that you know is true.

I have Hayhouse radio on my phone and happened to tune in as Esther Hicks was speaking.  This link isn't what I heard but her message is consistent, whatever excerpt you listen to.  Her conviction is powerful. 

 

Now, I know it's not for all of you and I'm not writing my snargles to convince you to join my cult or burn small animals over a campfire and dance around it naked.  I'm here simply to document my journey and it's going to come with witty snargles, ranty snargles (not many of those) and sometimes, like this one...heartfelt, personal snargles.

 

Anyhoo...after I listened to Mrs. Hicks, I saw this on Facebook and since I'd already ackowledged that I needed good stuff to attach to today, this really resonated with me...

I have learned to lean into the unknown.
I have learned to trust in the flow of life.
I have learned that if I ask questions around anything that brings up funky emotions within me or scares the bajeebus out of me…

Answers, solutions, and relief will be provided. Period. That’s just the way it works...

 

I'm still learning, as we all are and do until the day our souls depart our bodies.  But, I fully accepted at that very moment that there will be times, moments, days (but never more than a day) when I will feel like I haven't learned anything, that I am mistrustful of my direction and that absolutely, the unknown and the questions that accompany those unknowns will terrify me. 

 

In that time of resistance, when I'm aware...right then, is when I can be brought back to the path.  Even though I will still feel the aftershocks of being in the valley, I know deep down, that I am one step further forward on this journey and I see peaks, valleys and plateaus ahead of me.

 

So.  The moral of this snargle is...eat biscuits, drink your hot drink of choice, cry if you need to and express not repress as Meg Ryan so succinctly puts it in one of my top most favoritest movies of all time:

 

 

...and accept wherever you are and whatever you are going through.  Breathe deep and know it's going to be ok.  Change your thoughts and you will change your attitude and ultimately, have a better day.

 

Lisa...